In lieu finals and all the stress that I have been having the past weeks, I though it would be a great idea to just take an hour of two out of my busy schedule of studying at the CSPAC library to post some thoughts.
As my first real semester of college draws to a close (FCC does not count as real college), there are some things that I have noticed about myself. I really value the 3 dudes I room with in my apartment, I have become much closer with them over the past couple of months through sitting on the couch, watching movies, going to parties together, and of course the drunken 3am deep conversations that have been had. I really cannot imagine living with anyone else besides the three of them. I have also noticed that if I do not physically go to the study room or the library, work will never get done. And I have once again become an avid fan of soccer through going to “almost” every home soccer game this year. Yeah you may say that it’s a boring sport and that a 0-0 tie at the end of 90 minutes doesn’t interest you but the real fact of the matter is that I really don’t care what you think. Soccer is one of the most intelligent, elegant, and beautiful games on planet earth. So please, although you have a right to make your opinion heard, I just don’t want to hear it because coming from someone who had played soccer for 16 years season to season, year after year, I love it and you will not change my mind. I love being at Maryland, I love being a student here and all but I cannot shake off the suspicion of there being a perfect place out there that is calling my name and waiting for me to discover it. I’ve had to say goodbye to some great people who I have met and become friends with which is never easy but I have also made plenty of new friends here. I can only hope that we can continue to communicate over the years because I value great friendship and value the things they have taught me whilst being in my life.
As a good friend of mine once told me, life is full of experiences and you need to live your life in the moment, with no regrets because other wise you’re not really living, but always have your future in the back of your mind so you don’t end up doing something that will hurt you in the future. I kept thinking about this as the semester kept rolling right along when I would decide to stay in and sleep, nap, or just watch TV instead of going out and going to social gatherings or meeting new people. You need to put yourself out there, become vulnerable and take risks because you are not truly living your life to its full potential when all you do is sit in your comfort zone. I pondered this a lot as well… and though and worried about my future which would stress me out (no surprise there..) When I worry or get stressed out, my mind tends to look at the absolute worst case scenario. I can’t help it one bit, that is just how my mind works. The biggest problem for me as of late, is worrying about getting into the architecture department here at Maryland. As well as some issues with friends but by in large, I worry about my future because I cannot see myself doing anything else with my life and If I cannot do what my heart is set upon doing, I’m not really sure what I would do with my life. As another rather recent friend of mine told me a couple of months ago, you cannot foretell the future and what you will or will not be doing. But I cannot help that I still worry about it all the time, I guess it really just comes down to living for the moment you are in and making the best decision at the time for where you are in life. I am also very very inpatient when it comes to things like this.. go me? I would like for that to change but you really cannot change who you are and nor do I want to because although I am weird and a bit strange, I have come to like who I am for the most part. Talking to close friends and family have helped me realize what I like to do, what I enjoy, and who I want to spend my time around. I have some things to work out with some people that are quite important actually because they have been on my mind over the past couple of weeks and months now. But as for now, I cannot do anything about it and it is really out of my control which is one of the worst feelings in the world. I cannot stand having things out of my control but I wouldn’t classify myself as someone who always needs to be in control either, there is a good middle ground here.
Even though the classes that I am getting ready to finish have been quite challenging, I like the path that I have started down and look forward to where it takes me in the future. But for now at least, I look forward to the care-free month and a half of winter break which will be filled with bro chilling, copious amounts of snowboarding (barring a better winter then last year), catching up with friends that I haven’t talked to in what seems like ages, as well as one of my favorite activities, sleeping. The first 5 or so days of my break will be filled with catching up on all my sleep and doing absolutely nothing and I couldn’t be happier about it.