Stream of Conciseness

Deserve (v): to merit, be qualified for, to have claim to because of actions, to be worthy of. To be deserving of something means that you would have had to earn it, have the right credentials, done all the necessary steps to be eligible or capable of whatever you have. Do you really deserve it? The simple and glaring answer is no; no I don’t, not a single bit. Do I really deserve all the things that I have? All the of the experiences that I have had? All the things I have done? Do I deserve to be where I am now? Have I really done everything to even be remotely deserving of all of this? No. They say that the Mayan’s calendar was not valid because the world should have ended like 7 years ago because of daylight savings. Well I think it actually may be ending, or that is what it feels like. I thought everything was going well and that I had control over what was happening in my life, well it seems that I am wrong yet again… I don’t deserve to be at the University of Maryland, I don’t deserve to have most of the things I have, or the experiences I’ve had. It boils down to me not being qualified for anything. Who’s fault is that you ask? Mine and mine alone. Being in the bowels of despair with the weight of the world on your shoulders takes a toll on your psyche and I am only so strong. Having to deal with the failure of getting a bad GPA, losing a scholarship, not being sure if you can still accomplish your dream major has taken its toll over the last couple of weeks. I’m battered beyond repair it seems like, with no hope at the end of my metaphorical tunnel. We all deal with failure in our lives and we define life as how we come roaring back to conquer whatever broke us down in the first place. People (friends and parents) have told me to not worry about what has happened in the last couple of months because there is nothing that I can do about it anyway. Well that doesn’t help me. I cannot, not think about how my life seems to be spiraling into a downward depression filled with lost hopes and dreams. I have not enjoyed my winter break at all so far and I doubt I will… I just want the spring semester to he here already so I can try to prove my worth to the university and more over, to myself.

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